zondag 14 september 2008

How to Kiss Your Girlfriend


Preparation, preparation, preparation
So, finally you have the courage to go for it. You've been wanting this for quite some time, but just didn't have the nerve, right? You've been looking for signs, interpreting every word, every gesture, no matter how small, analyzing. And each and every time you have come to the conclusion that she could be telling you that she wouldn't object if you'd try to kiss her. If, if only you dared to try. Which you didn't, because your insecurity lead you to believe that she might just as well be telling you not to come any closer.
On each occasion that you have been together, the tension grew, just as your desire. The accidental touching, the looks... Could it be that she felt the same? And now, finally, you have come to the conclusion, you have decided to take your chances and accept the consequences.

That's nice, but now what? Taking your chances does not mean you shouldn't try to increase them, right?

Personal hygiene
It's a well known fact that scent is a very important factor when it comes to sex. And let's be clear, kissing is a manifestation of sex. Sometimes it's the substitute for physical intimacy, sometimes the prelude to it, but either way kissing is believed to be the most intimate form of contact - especially by members of the female species.

So, you will want to get this right. You don't want to put her off by smelling like a dog that has been gathering his meal by going through the city waist dump.

Don't worry, we humans have been inventive. First of all there's the shower, or bath. In addition to that, there's scented shower gel, bath pearls, soap, shampoo and a whole bunch of other products the cosmetic industry could think of to hide our personal odor. Don't overdo this, though! First, you don't want to smell like the local Perfumania and second, we're just at the beginning, laying the fundament so to speak.

Now that your body is all clean and nice smelling, you can move on to the vital part: your mouth. As you are about to discover, the mouth is the actual point of contact in the fine art of kissing. If opening your mouth is like opening a cesspool you can be sure you're girlfriend will be out of the room before you can blink your eyes. Brush, brush and brush again. Make sure you use fresh smelling toothpaste and finish it off using mouth water.

Now, for the finishing touch, you may want to apply a nice - not too strong, masculine - fragrance. As a fragrance blends with your personal scent I can't give you any advice here, other than taking your time to look for (and smell, of course) a fragrance that suits you. My personal fragrance of choice at this moment is Attitude by Giorgio Armani.

Creating the atmosphere
Unlike us men, women are very sensitive when it comes to - what they call - the ‘right' atmosphere. Where we don't really care - the Nike slogan Just Do It is definitely thought up by a man - women tend to be very demanding. Most of them aren't even aware of this, so you can't really blame them, but everything - literally everything - has to be just right.

They won't always admit it, but basically all of them are suckers for romance. You can use all romantic clich├ęs you can think of: the flowers, chocolate, champagne or wine, soft music and - very important - soft light. A couple of candles really does magic, trust me. Scented candles or scented oil works too as long as you get the right aroma. You don't want the entire room to smell as if you've been running around with Air Wick like a madman. I'd go for musk, which is often said to be stimulating.

Time to proceed to ‘the act’
Okay, you're all set. You smell nice and fresh, the room is all warm, and somewhere in the back the voice of Marvin Gaye fills the air. Settle down; make yourself and - more importantly - your girlfriend comfortable. Talk, listen, and humor her so she feels at ease. Pour her a glass of champagne to loosen up a bit and watch her closely. No! Don't stare at her, watch her. Observe without giving her an awkward feeling. You'll see her open up, believe me.

And then, when she's all relaxed, feeling nice and open... Then you call me.

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